put a letter in my ask
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05 . 04 . 2014
remembering this time around last year is strange.
March was warm.
Around this time last year was really sweet. Everything seemed so nice and together. That wasn’t all the case, no. Around this time I lost one of my oldest friends from OSA. I remember being so sure I’d never speak to her again. Though that isn’t all true now, is it.No, I was very unhappy. School work was getting dumber, teachers stopped caring so I inevitably did as well. I drew in class, I wouldn’t even look up at the white board to see if there was anything due. I still managed A’s.
April was nice too. The weather grew even warmer, and I didn’t even have too bad of allergies. I got a haircut, I remember I grew out my bangs and they grew so long they weren’t really even bangs anymore, they were just swooped to the side. So I got these Betty Page looking bangs and I didn’t like them at first. My face is long so with short bangs it made my face look longer. But I grew to like them, they were different, and sometimes different is good. April would have counted to be the crunch time one-month before fanime. The best weekend ever. I remember also starting work around that time. February or March was when I started. I felt so new, and I was, but I was quiet. I couldn’t talk to anyone about anything I liked without getting weird eyes. I love comics and anime and cosplay, and not many people do, sooo. But my co-workers ended up liking m- no.. no they didn’t.
April was bad though. And it was more real than anything ever.
A year later, here I am, having got too close to people I shouldn’t have. Feeling sad all the time and still not taking care of myself. I feel it. I get these moments during the day where my breathing is suspended by anxiety. I start to panic but I know I have little reason to do so. I get shaky and I want to cry, but I know if I just close my eyes and breath slowly, it would go away. April is a bad time for me. Talk about anxieties. I think just hearing happy birthday would cause all these things for me. I know I won’t be able to help it, so what will I do? Is it selfish for me to feel like this? How am I to say I like celebrating other peoples’ birthdays but I loathe my own. I work that day. I will be around the ones I know and the ones I care about. I want to believe I never told them my birthday and it will be a normal day for everyone and I won’t have to hear it. I am scared. I wish that day never existed, or at least its associations to me. I want that day to not happen- though it will. And people will wish me a happy birthday, and I will laugh and say thank you. Just like last year. I cry almost every year on my birthday, I just do. It’s like a ritual. I just get so overwhelmed with this scary shaky feeling and there is no where to run and only so many times one can smile and mask what they’re feeling before, well before the attacks commence.
No one will read this, I hope at least, that would suck, I just need to vent. I need to write what I’m feeling. I need to remember that april is bad for me.
I’m so silly for putting so much power into the negativity in this month. But when I stopped putting bad vibes into it, last year happened. I wake up in my classroom, looking up at my classmates from the carpeted floors, everyone looking at me like I have the word “FUCKING PSYCHOTIC” branded on my forehead. I wake up and the sounds in the room come in and part of my head begins to throb and there are ambulance members walking to me. My teacher looking at me like she just saw a ghost or a monster, or maybe both.. I remember talking to the nurses and looking around but no one seems to be listening. I’m shaking. I remember my arms were shaking. The weather was warm. I was wearing my black corset top and some jeans and my white boots. I was wearing my gray leather looking jacket.I don’t even remember getting up, I don’t even really remember being put in the ambulance, I just got there. Though I do remember passing faces I knew from other classes or other grades looking at me. I remember feeling so embarrassed because I made people worry. I hate doing that, and at that moment I felt like I worried the entire school. If you think I’m crazy or over-dramatic; this happened 15 minutes before all the classes were released to their next class. Even if they didn’t know me, they knew someone was being taken to the hospital. I held up the entire school until I was in the ambulance truck. I came to once they stuck the IV needle into my arm. I have needles more than I hate worrying people, so I was very much awake and alarmed when they did that. I signed myself out- n o way in hell would I be released by strangers. I ate lunch in the principle’s office. Mr. Harris bought me the biggest sandwich ever. Ohh, but it was so good. I ate it slowly, hoping that all the nutrients in my lunch would power me up and help me through the day, at least until I got home, and then texted my closest friend that yes, it was I who was the cause of the ambulance scene last period and I felt guilty the entire time. I mean, how do you tell someone you fainted in class and was almost sent to the hospital. Lunch was out for the school and I was afraid of walking, My legs were a but shaky too and I already have weak ankles. I still walked upstairs, and people I didn’t know asked me if I was okay. Word had already gotten out.I got to the DM room and there she was, all scared. I felt so bad but I smiled, in hopes it would reassure her that I was okay. I spent the rest of that day drawing, as I always do and went home, took my scared and concerned friend to my house, only to mess with her and ask her “what if I fell into a concussion and got posses by a demooon” in jopes she would get the INSIDIOUS reference. But she didn’t. So we ended up watching a movie about a kid who falls on his head and falls in a deep concussion and his body is possessed by a demon. At the end of the day I was fine and it was cool having sleep overs, but it was a nightmare nonetheless.
God, I could go on about how I felt, which I probably will, the sooner the doomsday approaches. I haven’t really talked about that day in a while, but now that I have a week until that little anniversary and with these shaky panics I feel like it may go away if I talk about it.
I really just want nothing bad to happen that day.